To the Doc tomorrow!

Boy, this whole recovery thing has me exhausted. But, I had a productive day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the doc will tell me tomorrow that it's totally cool to take off this *&^#@^#%&*#^$ bandage around the top of my chest. Literally - it's pushing them down - like I actually want that? But, I get it. It will make them more natural, and after having that fake-ass expander in for 8 months, I know that, for me, it's embarrassing to look like you have fake boobs.

I'll never be a porn star or a stripper.

Good thing I have established some sort of a career already.

Funny, hubs and I watched a movie the other night called After Porn Ends. We find documentaries fascinating. This was a really interesting look into the lives of folks who go into porn, what happens down that road and when they leave. Man, it kind of haunted me the next day as well - just thinking about some of those folks. Glad that some were able to move on somehow, and sad that others had a hard time. Seems the "old schoolers" did better than the contemporaries. I guess once the world had access to making their own "art", it became a crazier world, full of competition and lots of undercutters.

Hey! That's like music!

Ok. If I survive cancer, I can certainly survive the music business for a long time to come.

Anyway, I should really get my butt to bed. Seriously, this whole recovering-from-surgery shit is really tiring. In spurts. As soon as I lay down, I may very well feel like Cornholio. Ah, the Classics.

4 days out - frozen yogurt success!

Still feeling beat up, but perhaps that's partially because I didn't take any tylenol today. I took some at night so I could sleep (which sort of didn't work, anyway), and figured, I can live with this bruisy feeling, and it will keep me from being a total idiot and hurting myself. So, there I am.

Funny, I don't look bruised except a few spots. But I feel bruised and swollen (that is visible). Last night I wrapped myself up tight from below the breasts (or whatever I should call something that resembles a breast) down, and I woke up much more like myself, instead of Stimpy. It helps to wear some sort of Spanxy undergarment during the day too, but today I haven't gone for it - yet. I think my body is finally getting rid of the toxins from the procedure and medications, and am hopeful that I might feel like me again soon. I had dropped some weight before surgery and found that after surgery, I was 5 lbs heavier. All water, of course.

Well, last night a friend brought over a big box of Bronx-made cannoli - though my daughter scarfed quite a few, I had 2 - they're the small ones, so that was only 2,000 calories, right?

But I did wake up a pound less than yesterday, and I can almost see my abs like I could before surgery, so that's something - cannoli'd or not.

The worst is feeling afraid to go out alone. Hubby is home working, and I'm dying to go for a walk. Maybe I will. Just Man Up and do it. It's daytime, it's beautiful and hot out (and the apartment is freezing - my guy likes the air cranked but I think I'm so sensitive to temperature right now that I have a sweater on and am shivering!), and I need to move my body. Can't go to the gym (duh!), but I can walk. I just have to avoid crowds and close quarters so I don't risk getting bumped into or elbowed in my fammaries (fake mammaries).

Now that I believe my lips are turning purple, like when I was a kid and refused to stop swimming even though I was shivering and pruney, it may be time to take action. Looks like plans for lunch with a good friend are coming together. So I'm going to go make myself presentable and perhaps leave early for extra sunshine. *shiver*

Surgery, over and out!

Had my exchange surgery yesterday.

It was a good day.

Got there at 1pm, got into the amazing hospital garb, chatted with the nurse, had my stats checked, met the anesthesiologist, saw my surgeon, and while he drew on me with markers, he said "Wow, you've lost weight!"  I only saw him a month or so ago for pre-op. Hubby and I explained that I refused to take the tamoxifen if it packed on the pounds. And I want to live, and I know this may have saved my mom, so instead of letting the wind blow wherever it felt was cool, I really have buckled down on my diet and gym time. I'm sad that my delts will lose some of their recent definition, but I am proud of my pre-op work. Of course, I'm nauseous and the only thing to keep that at bay is bread products. So, I'll have some work to do after, considering the fact that between bready things and not working out, I'm going to put a lot of it back on. Maybe.

What's the best way to get leftover medical metallic tastes out of your mouth? Everyone seems to say exactly what I'm doing. Carbs and time. But I'm impatient!

Meanwhile, I'm very please with what I can see of the results. I'm not allowed to wear a bra for a week at least, post op is next Wednesday. I have an ace bandage wrapped above my chest - I guess to keep the implants from floating up. Need to be wrapped unless I'm showering. It's not a good look, but I'll survive. Shoot, I survived everything else so far!!!

If this nausea goes away, I'll only have the soreness to deal with. That I can handle.

Bent over the toilet this morning, getting rid of whatever was in my tummy, not so fun. And I'm still dizzy and nauseous. Just a little. I guess I just have to be patient. Not one of my strengths!!!

RIP, old friend.

My friend from the early 90's passed away today. From lung cancer.

From an exchange this past winter:

"That's the tude sweets...we will celebrate our victory together real soon. I have lung cancer.

No need to share this with the oopsie daisys on FB. Keep it close to the people who can help you best with prayer, love, understanding and giving, caring hearts...all else is fodder for pity parties...we celebrate LIFe!!!"

I was talking to him about the fact that we hadn't shared our battle with many.  I contacted him because I knew he suffered for years with some sort of cancer. One of the nicest, craziest, most talented people I've ever known. 

And now, he's gone. I rarely saw him after my studio days - but a few times here and there. Nothing but love. Always. And now? My battle is for him, and for my mom, and my aunt, and everyone who has died from this stupid crap. I'm over it.

Cancer: Fuck You.

In other news - the tears helped with some of my anxiety that has been silently building up for this surgery. Or, it could be the PMS. Either way, thank you B.F. - thank you for the tears.

2.5 days. Radiation follow up. Awesome.

My prognosis - Awesome. Direct quote from my radiation oncologist. It was nice to see him out of the club and in the medical setting. Yup. He comes to my gigs. He dances like he doesn't care. Perhaps a bit tipsy, but I like that he has fun.

Lots of scar tissue - no surprise there. My plastic surgeon reassured us that he would break it up on Thursday during the procedure. Egads. The shit is awful. I feel like an alien.

I can not wait to feel human. I really can not express how awful it feels to be a cancer patient for so many reasons, and I don't have it as bad as some do. I feel disconnected with my body. I feel sad. I feel grateful, but mad. I feel trapped, by the medication, by my inability to wear a regular bra, or even a swimsuit. The scars and missing pieces, the burn marks (now tan lines), the PTSD, all of that shit just sucks rocks.

And then, there's the good stuff. I'm breathing. Other than the red bean ice cream I just devoured (got it for my daughter and she didn't like it - ummmm, but I did! And I'm hormonal!) I've been doing well with my weight. Speaking of hormonal, my clockwork periods (not orange) have changed drastically to a guessing game. Like musical chairs. You never know when the music will stop. It seemed to happen every 2 weeks but now has been MIA for almost 4. I'm anticipating that it will arrive in time for surgery or early recovery like last time. And I have too much dignity to get help trying to keep it all in check. I really did suffer through that last recovery with the damn uterine crap. Hopefully this time it will stay away for a bit and let me suffer in peace. *whimper*

But! I'm here!

Yesterday, hubby, my guitarist and I played for a Survivor's Day. Yeah, I'm not a fan of the term, but it was a really nice day for us all. Sappy saps. We all cried at various moments - so many inspiring folks, so many good vibes, so much damn mayonnaise. For some reason, at the luncheon, there was an overabundance. And, I love mayo. So I think I filled my quota for the next 3 months. Potato salad, egg salad, cole slaw, tuna salad ... there was lots of pasta that I didn't mess with, some healthier veggie things, but the main course was - basically - a jar of mayo in my belly. There were also plenty of cold cuts, what I lovingly refer to as "sweaty meats". I decided to forego said delicacies because they affect my playing. Plus, who has time for that when you have mayonnaise???

*urp*

So here I sit, watching my daughter draw, cat asleep and totally upside down next to me on the couch. Hubby's out working.

Tomorrow we have an "interview" for a summer program for my girl. It's a camp type of thing, with some math and English courses. But fun stuff too - swimming, dancing, music, and other cool stuff. I sure hope we can get her in, it's late in the game but we're trying. It was recommended to us by her counselor at school, who put in a good word so we could get our application in after the deadline. Fingers crossed! She thinks it's weird that it's in a college, but I've reassured her that she is not actually going to go to college, but will go to a college. Ah, so confusing.

Time for my tamoxithin. Had a wicked hot flash after leaving the appointment today, right after I told my doc that I rarely have them. You have never seen a crazier lady rip off her sweater and put her umbrella down in a rainstorm just so she could feel the cold water!!!

4.5 days!

Holy Moses! This morning, while getting dressed, I told hubby excitedly that I will only have to pad and prod myself 5 times more! Maybe I will for surgery day too... yeah, I probably will. But as far as I know (and hope), I will be going in the morning so there will be only a small window of manipulating my chestal area.

Had a satisfying day. The B vitamins are really doing right by me.

Warmed up this morning while hubby wrote a chart for his gig tonight. We went to the gym, got manly, hit a few errands, and when he left for his gig, I walked to the farmers market. Actually, I saw a street fair, so I walked it and enjoyed the walk, grabbed some earrings and tank tops (which I wear endlessly, even though my transition bras look crazy under them!), got my coveted farmers fuji apples, and went home. It was looking really overcast so I figured it would rain. Realized that I meant to buy some red wine, so I went out again. The sun was out! Hardcore! So I walked up to one of my new favorite stores, Uniqlo, since I had gotten an email with these amazing printed pants for $12.90 on sale...  The ones in Pink Floral... and I not only scored these, but a pair of these skinny black jeans that make me look as thin as my daughter for $20, these shorts that look like a skirt in pink floral for $10, and a super cute striped tee shirt for my little girl. The total bill? $50ish. Glad the sun was out!!!

I then realized how close I was to Koreatown, and we love Asian groceries, so I went to my favorite grocery store and bought so much stuff that my reusable shopping bag was packed to the gills.

However, on my way back home, I realized I never got that red wine! So I popped into our favorite liquor store, picked a few things up, got carded (and they've seen me with hubby plenty of times, but I guess I was in a t-shirt and jeans, had my hair up and, well, maybe I did look suspicious). They had samplers there too, so I had a generous shot of coconut vodka. While the sampler was quite vapid, the drink was smooth.

Came home - finally! Made some zero calorie noodles with kimchee and umeboshi. I am getting ready to make a salad, I promise.

Tomorrow is Survivor Day at our hospital, and hubby and I are playing a few tunes with my guitar player. How do I feel? I don't love the term "survivor", but do I say that? Eh, we'll see. Seriously, what to wear? Maybe I'll break out my new shorts, they look less casual than jeans. We'll see how my mood is rolling!

I am SO looking forward to surgery. I see my radiologist on Monday morning - for a follow up. I sure hope my radiation tan lines are satisfactory!!!

Macrocytosis... B Vitamins... 9 days...

ERMEGERD! 9 days until surgery!

Got a super secret private password only note from my doctor today regarding the blood test results. Apparently, I have macrocytosis. It sounds really exotic, but really, it's boring. I took some B complex and felt like myself for the first time in months. I thought the Tamoxithin was making me tired, and it probably is, but maybe it also blocks the absorption of B 12? I do know I took some sublingual liquid B, and felt like freaking Cornholio! It was amazeballs. It's water soluble (yes, I'll call my oncologist to make sure this is cooli-o) so it's like taking vitamin c. Pee it out if you don't use it! Everything has limits, but hopefully a dose or two will be approved daily. Man, I've felt like some sort of sleep-walking lame-ass until this afternoon. I even lifted weights at home! And did 100 crunches on the ball! I've done this in the recent past and have had sudden urges to break my drinking glass, and jab a shard through my eyeball just so I would have an excuse to stop working out. This B vitamin vibe is a much better option, in my opinion.

Good news - my pee test came back perfect. I have perfect pee. There are fewer things more bizarre than peeing in a cup and handing it to someone and leaving. I mean, really? I guess I'm glad to not be in the lab tech world.

I just wish my freaking wrists would stop hurting. They always gave me trouble, but this is just stupid.

My neck, too. But that might be due to my inability to get a massage for real. Luckily, hubby is well-versed in cracking my neck, so I got a little sigh of relief this evening. I can not wait to feel like a "normal person", or at least one without an overfilled balloon in my chest. So I can lay on a massage table. And get the crap pummeled out of me. How soon after surgery am I approved to do this? I'm hoping for a 30 minute window, but am anticipating it will be weeks or months. Alas, I will enjoy the neck cracking from hubby, and perhaps some back cracking (we can almost achieve that now if I position myself at an angle, but it really isn't the same).

Really, I'm not complaining. But DAMN. Fall is going to be amazing, when I'm healed, when I can hopefully pretend I'm "normal" again. 9 days. Really, 8.5...  HURRY!!!