Had my exchange surgery yesterday.
It was a good day.
Got there at 1pm, got into the amazing hospital garb, chatted with the nurse, had my stats checked, met the anesthesiologist, saw my surgeon, and while he drew on me with markers, he said "Wow, you've lost weight!" I only saw him a month or so ago for pre-op. Hubby and I explained that I refused to take the tamoxifen if it packed on the pounds. And I want to live, and I know this may have saved my mom, so instead of letting the wind blow wherever it felt was cool, I really have buckled down on my diet and gym time. I'm sad that my delts will lose some of their recent definition, but I am proud of my pre-op work. Of course, I'm nauseous and the only thing to keep that at bay is bread products. So, I'll have some work to do after, considering the fact that between bready things and not working out, I'm going to put a lot of it back on. Maybe.
What's the best way to get leftover medical metallic tastes out of your mouth? Everyone seems to say exactly what I'm doing. Carbs and time. But I'm impatient!
Meanwhile, I'm very please with what I can see of the results. I'm not allowed to wear a bra for a week at least, post op is next Wednesday. I have an ace bandage wrapped above my chest - I guess to keep the implants from floating up. Need to be wrapped unless I'm showering. It's not a good look, but I'll survive. Shoot, I survived everything else so far!!!
If this nausea goes away, I'll only have the soreness to deal with. That I can handle.
Bent over the toilet this morning, getting rid of whatever was in my tummy, not so fun. And I'm still dizzy and nauseous. Just a little. I guess I just have to be patient. Not one of my strengths!!!
Friday, June 14, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
RIP, old friend.
My friend from the early 90's passed away today. From lung cancer.
From an exchange this past winter:
"That's the tude sweets...we will celebrate our victory together real soon. I have lung cancer.
"That's the tude sweets...we will celebrate our victory together real soon. I have lung cancer.
No need to share this with the oopsie daisys on FB. Keep it close to the people who can help you best with prayer, love, understanding and giving, caring hearts...all else is fodder for pity parties...we celebrate LIFe!!!"
I was talking to him about the fact that we hadn't shared our battle with many. I contacted him because I knew he suffered for years with some sort of cancer. One of the nicest, craziest, most talented people I've ever known.
And now, he's gone. I rarely saw him after my studio days - but a few times here and there. Nothing but love. Always. And now? My battle is for him, and for my mom, and my aunt, and everyone who has died from this stupid crap. I'm over it.
Cancer: Fuck You.
In other news - the tears helped with some of my anxiety that has been silently building up for this surgery. Or, it could be the PMS. Either way, thank you B.F. - thank you for the tears.
In other news - the tears helped with some of my anxiety that has been silently building up for this surgery. Or, it could be the PMS. Either way, thank you B.F. - thank you for the tears.
Monday, June 10, 2013
2.5 days. Radiation follow up. Awesome.
My prognosis - Awesome. Direct quote from my radiation oncologist. It was nice to see him out of the club and in the medical setting. Yup. He comes to my gigs. He dances like he doesn't care. Perhaps a bit tipsy, but I like that he has fun.
Lots of scar tissue - no surprise there. My plastic surgeon reassured us that he would break it up on Thursday during the procedure. Egads. The shit is awful. I feel like an alien.
I can not wait to feel human. I really can not express how awful it feels to be a cancer patient for so many reasons, and I don't have it as bad as some do. I feel disconnected with my body. I feel sad. I feel grateful, but mad. I feel trapped, by the medication, by my inability to wear a regular bra, or even a swimsuit. The scars and missing pieces, the burn marks (now tan lines), the PTSD, all of that shit just sucks rocks.
And then, there's the good stuff. I'm breathing. Other than the red bean ice cream I just devoured (got it for my daughter and she didn't like it - ummmm, but I did! And I'm hormonal!) I've been doing well with my weight. Speaking of hormonal, my clockwork periods (not orange) have changed drastically to a guessing game. Like musical chairs. You never know when the music will stop. It seemed to happen every 2 weeks but now has been MIA for almost 4. I'm anticipating that it will arrive in time for surgery or early recovery like last time. And I have too much dignity to get help trying to keep it all in check. I really did suffer through that last recovery with the damn uterine crap. Hopefully this time it will stay away for a bit and let me suffer in peace. *whimper*
But! I'm here!
Yesterday, hubby, my guitarist and I played for a Survivor's Day. Yeah, I'm not a fan of the term, but it was a really nice day for us all. Sappy saps. We all cried at various moments - so many inspiring folks, so many good vibes, so much damn mayonnaise. For some reason, at the luncheon, there was an overabundance. And, I love mayo. So I think I filled my quota for the next 3 months. Potato salad, egg salad, cole slaw, tuna salad ... there was lots of pasta that I didn't mess with, some healthier veggie things, but the main course was - basically - a jar of mayo in my belly. There were also plenty of cold cuts, what I lovingly refer to as "sweaty meats". I decided to forego said delicacies because they affect my playing. Plus, who has time for that when you have mayonnaise???
*urp*
So here I sit, watching my daughter draw, cat asleep and totally upside down next to me on the couch. Hubby's out working.
Tomorrow we have an "interview" for a summer program for my girl. It's a camp type of thing, with some math and English courses. But fun stuff too - swimming, dancing, music, and other cool stuff. I sure hope we can get her in, it's late in the game but we're trying. It was recommended to us by her counselor at school, who put in a good word so we could get our application in after the deadline. Fingers crossed! She thinks it's weird that it's in a college, but I've reassured her that she is not actually going to go to college, but will go to a college. Ah, so confusing.
Time for my tamoxithin. Had a wicked hot flash after leaving the appointment today, right after I told my doc that I rarely have them. You have never seen a crazier lady rip off her sweater and put her umbrella down in a rainstorm just so she could feel the cold water!!!
Lots of scar tissue - no surprise there. My plastic surgeon reassured us that he would break it up on Thursday during the procedure. Egads. The shit is awful. I feel like an alien.
I can not wait to feel human. I really can not express how awful it feels to be a cancer patient for so many reasons, and I don't have it as bad as some do. I feel disconnected with my body. I feel sad. I feel grateful, but mad. I feel trapped, by the medication, by my inability to wear a regular bra, or even a swimsuit. The scars and missing pieces, the burn marks (now tan lines), the PTSD, all of that shit just sucks rocks.
And then, there's the good stuff. I'm breathing. Other than the red bean ice cream I just devoured (got it for my daughter and she didn't like it - ummmm, but I did! And I'm hormonal!) I've been doing well with my weight. Speaking of hormonal, my clockwork periods (not orange) have changed drastically to a guessing game. Like musical chairs. You never know when the music will stop. It seemed to happen every 2 weeks but now has been MIA for almost 4. I'm anticipating that it will arrive in time for surgery or early recovery like last time. And I have too much dignity to get help trying to keep it all in check. I really did suffer through that last recovery with the damn uterine crap. Hopefully this time it will stay away for a bit and let me suffer in peace. *whimper*
But! I'm here!
Yesterday, hubby, my guitarist and I played for a Survivor's Day. Yeah, I'm not a fan of the term, but it was a really nice day for us all. Sappy saps. We all cried at various moments - so many inspiring folks, so many good vibes, so much damn mayonnaise. For some reason, at the luncheon, there was an overabundance. And, I love mayo. So I think I filled my quota for the next 3 months. Potato salad, egg salad, cole slaw, tuna salad ... there was lots of pasta that I didn't mess with, some healthier veggie things, but the main course was - basically - a jar of mayo in my belly. There were also plenty of cold cuts, what I lovingly refer to as "sweaty meats". I decided to forego said delicacies because they affect my playing. Plus, who has time for that when you have mayonnaise???
*urp*
So here I sit, watching my daughter draw, cat asleep and totally upside down next to me on the couch. Hubby's out working.
Tomorrow we have an "interview" for a summer program for my girl. It's a camp type of thing, with some math and English courses. But fun stuff too - swimming, dancing, music, and other cool stuff. I sure hope we can get her in, it's late in the game but we're trying. It was recommended to us by her counselor at school, who put in a good word so we could get our application in after the deadline. Fingers crossed! She thinks it's weird that it's in a college, but I've reassured her that she is not actually going to go to college, but will go to a college. Ah, so confusing.
Time for my tamoxithin. Had a wicked hot flash after leaving the appointment today, right after I told my doc that I rarely have them. You have never seen a crazier lady rip off her sweater and put her umbrella down in a rainstorm just so she could feel the cold water!!!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
4.5 days!
Holy Moses! This morning, while getting dressed, I told hubby excitedly that I will only have to pad and prod myself 5 times more! Maybe I will for surgery day too... yeah, I probably will. But as far as I know (and hope), I will be going in the morning so there will be only a small window of manipulating my chestal area.
Had a satisfying day. The B vitamins are really doing right by me.
Warmed up this morning while hubby wrote a chart for his gig tonight. We went to the gym, got manly, hit a few errands, and when he left for his gig, I walked to the farmers market. Actually, I saw a street fair, so I walked it and enjoyed the walk, grabbed some earrings and tank tops (which I wear endlessly, even though my transition bras look crazy under them!), got my coveted farmers fuji apples, and went home. It was looking really overcast so I figured it would rain. Realized that I meant to buy some red wine, so I went out again. The sun was out! Hardcore! So I walked up to one of my new favorite stores, Uniqlo, since I had gotten an email with these amazing printed pants for $12.90 on sale... The ones in Pink Floral... and I not only scored these, but a pair of these skinny black jeans that make me look as thin as my daughter for $20, these shorts that look like a skirt in pink floral for $10, and a super cute striped tee shirt for my little girl. The total bill? $50ish. Glad the sun was out!!!
I then realized how close I was to Koreatown, and we love Asian groceries, so I went to my favorite grocery store and bought so much stuff that my reusable shopping bag was packed to the gills.
However, on my way back home, I realized I never got that red wine! So I popped into our favorite liquor store, picked a few things up, got carded (and they've seen me with hubby plenty of times, but I guess I was in a t-shirt and jeans, had my hair up and, well, maybe I did look suspicious). They had samplers there too, so I had a generous shot of coconut vodka. While the sampler was quite vapid, the drink was smooth.
Came home - finally! Made some zero calorie noodles with kimchee and umeboshi. I am getting ready to make a salad, I promise.
Tomorrow is Survivor Day at our hospital, and hubby and I are playing a few tunes with my guitar player. How do I feel? I don't love the term "survivor", but do I say that? Eh, we'll see. Seriously, what to wear? Maybe I'll break out my new shorts, they look less casual than jeans. We'll see how my mood is rolling!
I am SO looking forward to surgery. I see my radiologist on Monday morning - for a follow up. I sure hope my radiation tan lines are satisfactory!!!
Had a satisfying day. The B vitamins are really doing right by me.
Warmed up this morning while hubby wrote a chart for his gig tonight. We went to the gym, got manly, hit a few errands, and when he left for his gig, I walked to the farmers market. Actually, I saw a street fair, so I walked it and enjoyed the walk, grabbed some earrings and tank tops (which I wear endlessly, even though my transition bras look crazy under them!), got my coveted farmers fuji apples, and went home. It was looking really overcast so I figured it would rain. Realized that I meant to buy some red wine, so I went out again. The sun was out! Hardcore! So I walked up to one of my new favorite stores, Uniqlo, since I had gotten an email with these amazing printed pants for $12.90 on sale... The ones in Pink Floral... and I not only scored these, but a pair of these skinny black jeans that make me look as thin as my daughter for $20, these shorts that look like a skirt in pink floral for $10, and a super cute striped tee shirt for my little girl. The total bill? $50ish. Glad the sun was out!!!
I then realized how close I was to Koreatown, and we love Asian groceries, so I went to my favorite grocery store and bought so much stuff that my reusable shopping bag was packed to the gills.
However, on my way back home, I realized I never got that red wine! So I popped into our favorite liquor store, picked a few things up, got carded (and they've seen me with hubby plenty of times, but I guess I was in a t-shirt and jeans, had my hair up and, well, maybe I did look suspicious). They had samplers there too, so I had a generous shot of coconut vodka. While the sampler was quite vapid, the drink was smooth.
Came home - finally! Made some zero calorie noodles with kimchee and umeboshi. I am getting ready to make a salad, I promise.
Tomorrow is Survivor Day at our hospital, and hubby and I are playing a few tunes with my guitar player. How do I feel? I don't love the term "survivor", but do I say that? Eh, we'll see. Seriously, what to wear? Maybe I'll break out my new shorts, they look less casual than jeans. We'll see how my mood is rolling!
I am SO looking forward to surgery. I see my radiologist on Monday morning - for a follow up. I sure hope my radiation tan lines are satisfactory!!!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Macrocytosis... B Vitamins... 9 days...
ERMEGERD! 9 days until surgery!
Got a super secret private password only note from my doctor today regarding the blood test results. Apparently, I have macrocytosis. It sounds really exotic, but really, it's boring. I took some B complex and felt like myself for the first time in months. I thought the Tamoxithin was making me tired, and it probably is, but maybe it also blocks the absorption of B 12? I do know I took some sublingual liquid B, and felt like freaking Cornholio! It was amazeballs. It's water soluble (yes, I'll call my oncologist to make sure this is cooli-o) so it's like taking vitamin c. Pee it out if you don't use it! Everything has limits, but hopefully a dose or two will be approved daily. Man, I've felt like some sort of sleep-walking lame-ass until this afternoon. I even lifted weights at home! And did 100 crunches on the ball! I've done this in the recent past and have had sudden urges to break my drinking glass, and jab a shard through my eyeball just so I would have an excuse to stop working out. This B vitamin vibe is a much better option, in my opinion.
Good news - my pee test came back perfect. I have perfect pee. There are fewer things more bizarre than peeing in a cup and handing it to someone and leaving. I mean, really? I guess I'm glad to not be in the lab tech world.
I just wish my freaking wrists would stop hurting. They always gave me trouble, but this is just stupid.
My neck, too. But that might be due to my inability to get a massage for real. Luckily, hubby is well-versed in cracking my neck, so I got a little sigh of relief this evening. I can not wait to feel like a "normal person", or at least one without an overfilled balloon in my chest. So I can lay on a massage table. And get the crap pummeled out of me. How soon after surgery am I approved to do this? I'm hoping for a 30 minute window, but am anticipating it will be weeks or months. Alas, I will enjoy the neck cracking from hubby, and perhaps some back cracking (we can almost achieve that now if I position myself at an angle, but it really isn't the same).
Really, I'm not complaining. But DAMN. Fall is going to be amazing, when I'm healed, when I can hopefully pretend I'm "normal" again. 9 days. Really, 8.5... HURRY!!!
Got a super secret private password only note from my doctor today regarding the blood test results. Apparently, I have macrocytosis. It sounds really exotic, but really, it's boring. I took some B complex and felt like myself for the first time in months. I thought the Tamoxithin was making me tired, and it probably is, but maybe it also blocks the absorption of B 12? I do know I took some sublingual liquid B, and felt like freaking Cornholio! It was amazeballs. It's water soluble (yes, I'll call my oncologist to make sure this is cooli-o) so it's like taking vitamin c. Pee it out if you don't use it! Everything has limits, but hopefully a dose or two will be approved daily. Man, I've felt like some sort of sleep-walking lame-ass until this afternoon. I even lifted weights at home! And did 100 crunches on the ball! I've done this in the recent past and have had sudden urges to break my drinking glass, and jab a shard through my eyeball just so I would have an excuse to stop working out. This B vitamin vibe is a much better option, in my opinion.
Good news - my pee test came back perfect. I have perfect pee. There are fewer things more bizarre than peeing in a cup and handing it to someone and leaving. I mean, really? I guess I'm glad to not be in the lab tech world.
I just wish my freaking wrists would stop hurting. They always gave me trouble, but this is just stupid.
My neck, too. But that might be due to my inability to get a massage for real. Luckily, hubby is well-versed in cracking my neck, so I got a little sigh of relief this evening. I can not wait to feel like a "normal person", or at least one without an overfilled balloon in my chest. So I can lay on a massage table. And get the crap pummeled out of me. How soon after surgery am I approved to do this? I'm hoping for a 30 minute window, but am anticipating it will be weeks or months. Alas, I will enjoy the neck cracking from hubby, and perhaps some back cracking (we can almost achieve that now if I position myself at an angle, but it really isn't the same).
Really, I'm not complaining. But DAMN. Fall is going to be amazing, when I'm healed, when I can hopefully pretend I'm "normal" again. 9 days. Really, 8.5... HURRY!!!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Countdown... 13 days until surgery!
So impatient.
So. Impatient.
Funny how the word impatient is mostly "patient".
Crap.
I wish I could go in right this second and have my surgery. But, 13 days it is.
I've been feeling so run down, maybe a little depressed, maybe allergenic, maybe tamoxed out. That shit makes me tired - I feel it soon after I take it. It helps me sleep, so that's good. And I'm not getting chubby on it. That's also a big one in the win column.
But damn. My left wrist hurts more than ever.
Went for my second pre-op (first with the plastic surgeon - just got a whopping bill for that shyte!) This time with my general doc, who's actually a nurse and super cool. She is quite pleased with how healthy I am, ironically healthier than last time we met, right before The Diagnosis. I told her that cancer has done wonders for my health. Strangely, it has. Though I am wickedly hungry now (I'm hormonal every 2 weeks, it definitely is wreaking havoc on my hormones, and I pretty much have my period every other week now. Luckily it's not heavy or painful, just annoying and hunger-provoking).
We did everything including an EKG. But I have to go elsewhere for lab work, as the health center has a lab that accepts every insurance except mine. Fuckers.
So I'm going to try and go early Monday. We have a long day, but it seems we always do. And I need this crap done lickety-split. What if there's a cancellation next week and I can go in early? You KNOW I'll be there, but the bloodwork and urinalysis needs to be done. Note to self: avoid asparagus and excessive beets the night before.
House is a disaster. I'm so tired. Did I mention how tired I am? Must clean. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow. If nothing else, I can clean during recovery. Riiiiight.
Anyhoo, I'm so excited to say sayonara to Barbie, my expander. She is such a bitch. Do I name my new implant? She will most likely name herself in time, just like Barb did.
Before I eat anything more, I must take a melatonin and go watch something mindless in bed (I had some kryptonite, I mean, cereal, and the washed that down with my daughter's leftover Cheddar Bunnies that she didn't eat all week at lunch. Yeah, they're organic. But they're wheat. And salt. And delicious. Oh, Annie. Why do you torture me so, with your children's snack foods???)
Gonna be a hot one tomorrow... If I hear one more person talk about the damned weather... of course, folks like small obvious talk. So yeah. It's gonna be a hot one. ;)
So. Impatient.
Funny how the word impatient is mostly "patient".
Crap.
I wish I could go in right this second and have my surgery. But, 13 days it is.
I've been feeling so run down, maybe a little depressed, maybe allergenic, maybe tamoxed out. That shit makes me tired - I feel it soon after I take it. It helps me sleep, so that's good. And I'm not getting chubby on it. That's also a big one in the win column.
But damn. My left wrist hurts more than ever.
Went for my second pre-op (first with the plastic surgeon - just got a whopping bill for that shyte!) This time with my general doc, who's actually a nurse and super cool. She is quite pleased with how healthy I am, ironically healthier than last time we met, right before The Diagnosis. I told her that cancer has done wonders for my health. Strangely, it has. Though I am wickedly hungry now (I'm hormonal every 2 weeks, it definitely is wreaking havoc on my hormones, and I pretty much have my period every other week now. Luckily it's not heavy or painful, just annoying and hunger-provoking).
We did everything including an EKG. But I have to go elsewhere for lab work, as the health center has a lab that accepts every insurance except mine. Fuckers.
So I'm going to try and go early Monday. We have a long day, but it seems we always do. And I need this crap done lickety-split. What if there's a cancellation next week and I can go in early? You KNOW I'll be there, but the bloodwork and urinalysis needs to be done. Note to self: avoid asparagus and excessive beets the night before.
House is a disaster. I'm so tired. Did I mention how tired I am? Must clean. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow. If nothing else, I can clean during recovery. Riiiiight.
Anyhoo, I'm so excited to say sayonara to Barbie, my expander. She is such a bitch. Do I name my new implant? She will most likely name herself in time, just like Barb did.
Before I eat anything more, I must take a melatonin and go watch something mindless in bed (I had some kryptonite, I mean, cereal, and the washed that down with my daughter's leftover Cheddar Bunnies that she didn't eat all week at lunch. Yeah, they're organic. But they're wheat. And salt. And delicious. Oh, Annie. Why do you torture me so, with your children's snack foods???)
Gonna be a hot one tomorrow... If I hear one more person talk about the damned weather... of course, folks like small obvious talk. So yeah. It's gonna be a hot one. ;)
Monday, May 27, 2013
2.5 weeks...
It's been crazy - in the past couple of weeks I performed in Austria, the freaking White House, Atlantic City, and NYC. I'm exhausted but So excited to have today to just chill out with the family. AND... surgery is on June 13! That's really soon! I'm looking forward to no longer having to worry about getting dressed, about the possibility that my creative padding will somehow show or fall out, that my 2 bras that I love will not fit under outfits (try shopping for a dress to wear in front of the President and only have a crazy racer back sports bra to wear under it!)
But that will be just a memory. And I like these bras a lot - made by Danskin. I'll probably continue to wear them on occasion. No wires, no back fat, pretty cool.
Speaking of back fat, though I'm fluctuating, I've been really doing well with my weight. And my muscles are returning a little. I told hubby this morning that I wanted to get super diesel in the next 2 weeks before surgery. Of course, I have spent this morning lazing around in bed, having coffee, and now on the couch typing. Yeah. Nice start. But it's too nice out - need to drag the family out for a long walk and some sun!
Hope everyone is having a super day. I know I'm exhausted and happy about life at the moment.
But that will be just a memory. And I like these bras a lot - made by Danskin. I'll probably continue to wear them on occasion. No wires, no back fat, pretty cool.
Speaking of back fat, though I'm fluctuating, I've been really doing well with my weight. And my muscles are returning a little. I told hubby this morning that I wanted to get super diesel in the next 2 weeks before surgery. Of course, I have spent this morning lazing around in bed, having coffee, and now on the couch typing. Yeah. Nice start. But it's too nice out - need to drag the family out for a long walk and some sun!
Hope everyone is having a super day. I know I'm exhausted and happy about life at the moment.
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