Tonight, I am missing an epic gig. Why? Because I was not right for it. It is funny, even just a few years back, I would have done it, put it on my resume, and hoped that nobody saw it (it's in an arena type setting, so chances are I'd be all over youtube etc. in my epic failedness). But I would literally have done it for the status. Why? The pay for this event sucked. And I would have missed other work that paid me about half of what this paid - the anxiety was through the roof when I got the tracks. It is GREAT music, the kind of shit that I would listen to on my own time. But, I'm not that player. The final straw was when they told me to make sure that I learned the part on a TOTALLY DIFFERENT INSTRUMENT. I own one, but heck if I've even taken it out of the case in, oh, 15-20 years. Yeah, not my gig.
Valuable lessons as an artist - never take a gig that is not meant for you. Ok, not never. But on an epic scale? You will not only chance ruining or at least tarnishing your reputation, but ruining someone's show! That is super suck-ass.
So, my very full resume - yes, it is nice - will stay as is. Am I mad? No. I'm so relieved. I decided to finally color my hair (my grays have quadrupled at LEAST since the tamoxifen). Hubs has another night at his gig - same as last night - I am on 4 hours of sleep so I decided a home-spa night was my best bet. And yes, my hair color is not a commercial one - it's plant based, and not perfect, but works well. I can't do granola 100% if it doesn't work!
So I sit here, my freshly colored hair wrapped in a towel, in my fuzzy robe, thinking about doing my nails (with natural polish, of course!) for Friday's gig since I have time. I need to do some cleaning, and my eyes are burning right out of my head from the lack of sleep with the pollen in the air, and I need to practice (still not recovered from the tamoxinightmare, so I have lots of work to do). We'll see. If I conk out in a couple of hours, then I will be a healthier person tomorrow. If I somehow stay awake for some reason, I will make it productive.
My weight... my weight has gone down a hairball, but my body has started to shift back to ME. Oh my goodness. I'm starting to get my waist back. I do NOT look good as a potato! On the meds, with my hormones screwed up, I saw a glimpse into my post-menopausal future - which I hope to experience SOMEDAY, and not now. It wasn't horrible, but I'm too young. Even though I haven't had gym time, things are shifting back. I actually look like myself again, more and more each day.
I'm half Japanese. So, this may be my aging process:
A friend of mine lost her husband last weekend. I remember when she found out I had cancer. She got really quiet and teary eyed. Told me her husband also had cancer. He had a LOT of medical complications. To the point where things were coming out of places that they shouldn't (basically, he pooped out of his penis and had to get several colostomy bags - yes, it's a true story). But they loved each other and lived life to the fullest. Did he die from the cancer?
He fell into the subway tracks and got hit by a train.
I don't even know what to say to her - I had to miss the funeral because of my gig last night. Awful. I may get her some books to help her through her grief (Pema Chodron comes to mind, but if anyone else has an idea, please let me know). I am not a flower kind of girl - they make me sad. I'm not making her a casserole. I want to get her something that she can turn to for comfort, and while food IS comforting, I want it to have meaning.
I want to bring her husband back to her, but that's not likely. So, I can bring her comfort and love.
Life is short and unpredictable. Will this cancer kill me? Will a train? Will a lightening bolt? Who knows. So, you enjoy every moment, you don't take the inappropriate gigs, you love your life, and you bring the world some happiness, however you can.
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