I've been feeling so out of sorts recently. A lot of things - good things, bad things, whatever. Been having enough anxiety to make me feel miserable at times. My blood sugar has been flip flopping, making me so zoned out and/or irritable that I hate myself at times. But, I'm oddly happy, deep down - always.
I can't figure out the blood sugar thing, except that my sugar cravings have taken a nosedive since the tamoxifen, which is good. And my body is shifting back to where it was. Also good. But my weight (number) has been stubborn, which wreaks havoc on my brain.
My musical stuff? The aftermath of the meds has lightened up a lot, but my brain can't come back. So, though I'm coming back physically to where I was before, if my brain isn't cooperating, then my chops can't. So, here I am. What a dilemma. I need a hypnotist. No, I'm not kidding. I need to be able to convince my brain, my heart, how I am who I used to be again. But, all I feel is incapable and anxious beyond belief. I don't show the outside world, but boy, I feel it inside. There are many, many times that I want to just quit. I anxiously do gigs and get through ok, though the "comeback" of my chops is hit or miss. I seem to worry more about the folks I love who hire me and their reputations, over my own. But, I believe, that so far I have not let anyone down enough to be an issue. I guess my game face is pretty good.
But the anxiety sucks balls.
So I breathe and try to make it to the other side. Sometimes I want to scream at the ego-driven folks around me, tell them that there is more to life than being cool. Because I feel far from it, but also, I know. I leave my mind as empty as I can (not too difficult most times) and try to make it through, so I can crawl into bed at night and try to breathe evenly and sleep instead of tool around on Facebook and play words with friends all night. My friends, apparently, tend to be night owls. Robot Chicken is often an excellent temporary solution to my anxiously filled brain. It seems to siphon out the worry and anxiety with bizarre, inappropriate laughter.
Also, had a consult with our kitchen contractor. I want my kitchen redone. ASAP. I don't want to die knowing that my kitchen will be gross forever for my family. This has been on my mind since diagnosis. Weird, no? We love to cook. We spend tons of time in there. So, we had our consult, all happy times... until I started realizing how much cash I'm talking about dropping. We're talking about ripping everything out - all new cabinetry, counters, knocking down some walls, new appliances. OH MY GOD. But, I don't want to wait until I can't enjoy it. We actually talked about that - how folks will fix up their homes in order to sell them. You mean, you have this gorgeous new stuff and it's all for the new owners? Screw that.
So I need to breathe deep and realize that this has been my desire for many years - pretty much since I had moved in. New, happy, light filled kitchen. I actually can technically wait on new appliances for a while, but at the same time, it would make sense to build around the new appliances. We looked at stuff today, and I know that technically I should invest in all of this. And, I will.
Crap.
It's a lot to think about, along with everything else.
However, if we do this ASAP, we can have a new kitchen by summer. And, I know from last years redoing the kitchen floor, it will change my life.
And how much life is left? Who knows. But, when I drop dead, hubby and daughter will be here. Then daughter. Her kids, if she changes her mind on that point. At least her cats. Blahblahblah. I own the apartment, and it's the kind of place that nobody moves out of. Hard to explain, but it's the truth.
Onward.
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