Today marked the start of a very busy time. Seriously. Not a day off until surgery. They might not even have to put me to sleep - I'm sure I'll be beyond exhausted!
A long day today. A bit frustrating too, but that's the business I'm in. I'll be in this scenario until Sunday morning. Which will give me time to wash the glitter off, catch a nap, and get ready for rehearsal Monday. For a totally different job. Wednesday morning, I'll board a plane and fly all day, for yet another job Thursday. I'll board another plane early Friday and land back home that evening. Saturday a possible gig. Sunday and Monday? Out of town to do another job. Leave very early Tuesday for another job. And Wednesday. Ahhhh. Wednesday. Blissful sleep under the surgeon's careful guidance and lots of medication.
What a freaking lullaby. Cut. Rip. Slice. Plop. Ugh.
But then, rest. Forced rest. And needed. I look at my schedule in the next 2.5 weeks and think, this "rest" is well deserved, but I wish I could have it under different circumstances. Of course, I never take a real break. I have to be forced to. Is this cancer a sign for me to slow down? If so, I'm sure a better and less invasive scenario could have arrived. Though I pulled my back really bad on Saturday - yesterday sucked royally, though I managed to go out and see the hubby work. It was fun but painful. The good news is that now I can actually wipe without my back hurting. I know, TMI. But it's really a moment in your day that you don't think of, until it's painful. And I worry that it will be the same after surgery. I'm not good in a bed pan. I am pretty stubborn, so I'm pretty sure I can envision myself with my IV pole shuffling and moaning to the restroom in the hospital. Nurses trying to encourage me that a bedpan is a good and useful tool. I'm pretty sure I will NOT be in the mood to piss into some plastic bin in the bed I'll be sleeping in. No thank you, I'll just figure out how to get my science project of a body in the loo. And I will try to wipe myself. Because as bad as a bedpan sounds, I think needing the help of a nurse to wipe my lady bits sounds like a real awful time. I'd probably end up holding until they let me go home, and I'd build a wiping mechanism out of tinker toys. Who knows, maybe I will start a company that manufactures personal care products for use after mastectomy. "The Post-Mastectomy Butt Wiper! How much would you pay??? ... But wait! It now comes with a 'Sexy Surgical Bra', complete with snap on nipples if you had yours removed! Nobody has to know. " *wink*
I'm not sure I'll offer a money back guarantee, though. Those are pretty personal items for someone to be mailing back to me.
I have work to do. Hubby is working now, but will be back in an hour or so. A friend is in town, and it would be nice if we could have him over for some wine. Which means, that I should also be cleaning up instead of typing. Why do I have this incessant need to type? I haven't had much opportunity, or desire, to talk about what's going on. Imagine some dude calling his friends to talk about his Ball-Removal Surgery. Yup. It's just weird. And the stigma that goes with it in my business - I need to be able to line up work as soon as I'm able to go back and get in it. Folks say I may be too ambitious, but I get depressed if I'm not working in my art for a bit. I practice it daily. And nothing is more satisfying than getting on a stage and helping to make people smile, or cry, or whatever we're there to do. I'm an emotional sap. I like to help people get in touch with their inner sap, whether or not they share with the class, or feel it inside and enjoy it swirling around.
I guess this blog is a good outlet. I know some friends are reading and they can keep up with the wild rantings of my brain - or what's left of it since my breast seems to have taken over all thought.
It's weird. I can feel the lumps that have been there forever, always benign. And apparently, they're not the cancerous bits that have screwed me over. But I still wish someone had removed them long ago. They just remind me that something evil lurks beneath their surface. It's like they're laughing at my misfortune. They didn't have the guts to be the bully, but their friends sure showed me.
I have a lot of moments where I wish I hadn't gotten married a few months ago. I wish I could break up with my husband, whom I love dearly - and let him find a woman who is not damaged. Find a woman who is cancer free, who won't need his help after surgery, watching her kid, helping her get about, washing her hair, cooking all the meals, etc. I love him so much, and it makes me feel bad that he's going to have to work so much harder after just a few months of marrying someone who everyone would have thought was one of the healthiest women on the planet. Shit, I was even fooled. But here I am. And there he is. And I feel bad for him. I've always thought that our relationship was one that made both of our lives better, stronger and easier. I've never been in a relationship where I thought that before. And I feel like I'm mucking it all up for him. He does so much for us when I'm healthy. Maybe I can send him out for a weekly massage. It's the least I could do for him. If I could only afford one of those fancy massage chairs. Yes, the one that just a few entries ago I said I wanted to buy.
Ok, I still do. But what to get? And is it worth the money, when things are about to get pretty tight financially?
If anyone has any good suggestions - on a really deep working massage chair - that would be worth the money and would last a lifetime, let me know! Maybe I can just bite the bullet and get it for Christmas for the family. Early Christmas. Like, Halloween. That'll probably be around the time I can wipe myself. Seriously, I should get on that invention thing... right???
Couple of things...1) I'll ask my sister in law about the chair. She's a massage therapist and actually owns one (or used to - I was afraid of it and never sat in it). 2) You would do as much for your husband, Kiku. Don't feel guilty about him having to take care of you. It's what we married folk do. 3) You should really get up and pee even if you have to hobble over to the bathroom. They want you to do that after surgery as soon as possible BUT if you need to use the stupid bedpan for the first day then use it and let the nurse wipe your ass. They are there to do that. Do what you need to do to get through it. 4) You will be as beautiful as ever and a MUCH sought after performer who is also a survivor. I have no doubt of that. I really REALLY want to see you perform live some day. I will probably cry. I love crying at performances - Ana and Emily hate that I cry whenever they sing in public.
ReplyDeleteReal men care for their wives when they need to be cared for. And ya know what, Kiku? It makes us grow together even more! Remember, I just went through it with Eva's brain tumour, and as ridiculous as it sounds it was one of the best things that ever happened to us!
ReplyDeleteIt'll be the same for you guys too!
Rick
Thanks, Jackie! We like really deep work in this house so most chairs are a bit light for us - which is why I know if I get one it will be big bucks!!! But worth it! And to you and Rick - I know - he loves me, and I would do the same for him. I just am used to being the caretaker. It's so hard for me to reverse roles and accept the help I will need. As is, he was running around delivering my passport to get the work visa for next week, running to one hospital to get my slides, and never a complaint (and he even did laundry!) and he's off to work for a long night tonight.
ReplyDeleteRight now, my girl is home with me after another long day, and I'm so happy to be able to finish her homework with her (yes, it was not done at her dad's... surprise!) and am hoping we'll have time to play. I have a lot of homework of my own to sort through for tomorrow's long day, but knowing that I'm playing a valuable role in the business. I even got a heads up for a big gig that may or may not be possible at the end of the year - would involve travel and rehearsals. But until I get the offer I can't turn it down, so hopefully I'll get it while I'm recovering and know more about the state of things in Cancer-Land. That would also give me a huge goal to get. Even if I go out there for a week or so, then come back home to recover more, as long as my doc says it's ok, I'd do it. As long as I can still do my craft at that point - remember I have to take quite a hiatus! We'll see how it all unravels... thanks for the love!