Beautiful frozen birthday cake. RIP.

I had a big chunk of cannoli (minus the cannoli) birthday cake in the freezer. Because I love cake and can't seem to throw out food I love.

However, having asked my daughter and husband if they "want any cake" (meaning, I wanted it!) for the past couple of months with no takers, I finally broke down and sliced a piece off tonight for dessert. I'm uber-hormonal. I figured, why not? And as I indulged in the creamy frosting, the fluffy cake, I realized - I don't need this shit.

So, I threw the rest out. After I practically licked the plate clean. Whatever. I'm hormonal. And I have cancer. I might die tomorrow!

But, I managed to tip the container over in the garbage can to hear an audible, sad, and calorie saving "THUNK". And I felt good about my decision, luckily... otherwise, I can picture myself digging through the garbage to see if I can salvage the hunk of cake. Maybe I could slice away the sides and save the inside. Ew.

There it is. Perhaps I AM growing up. My willpower has been a bit teeter-totterish recently, though I've kept my weight hovering below or on point with my pre-diagnosis weight. Not without effort - it takes SO much work to remain my size with the tamoxifat. But, I'd rather live and be thin, than live and be fat, or go off the meds to make my weight issues easier... and die.

Sometimes, when I look at the situation realistically, or at least in black-and-white, I realize that I have choices. Life is like that, but when you have an illness? Shoo. The crap is in technicolor, but there still is a "good vs. evil" vibe.

Good - stay on stupid meds that may have kept my mom alive for more than she was here. Perhaps she could have seen me past my 18th year on the planet. Perhaps she could have seen 51 herself. But, at least I painted her nails for the first time, at 49. Bright red. I remember it well. Her nails were black from the years of chemo. I finally showed up with a bottle of fire engine red polish and told her she couldn't fight me on it. I mean, at that point - it's not like she was afraid of getting cancer from nail polish! (Disclaimer: I now use all natural cosmetics, including nail polish). Because I don't want any more damned cancer than I have. But she was dying. And we knew it.

I also remember visiting her the day before one of her millions of surgeries. I brought her black lace panties. She laughed - my Very Conservative Mother thought it was hysterical. And, in my 17 year old mind, I had no idea that you don't wear any undies during surgery! But, she appreciated the thought and thought I was a hairball crazy. But, I am her daughter. We were/are different kinds of crazy. She was very rebellious considering her upbringing. Me? Well, I'm rebellious in my own special ways. Never to harm anyone, but just to enjoy life. And really, I'm a homebody and a loner like she was. Nobody guesses from my profession, but it's true. In a noisy situation I'll look for a quiet space, or simply crawl into a little crevice in my brain and hide until the noises calm down. My daughter is the same.

I was on TV yesterday! I missed part of it, since we don't have tv, but caught some online. Now the whole show is online, but I watched enough. I guess I've done it enough times, and while it's exciting, always, I just am too busy and tired to really get caught up. Plus, the mix sucked.

But my girls looked great! Nobody would guess that I had a big bag o' stuff in that dress! It's nice to look and see that I look "real".

Real cancerous.

I admit that I miss having 2 actual breasts. Not that I really needed them anymore, functionally, but it's weird to not feel one side. And not be able to do pushups. Or flys. Dips are challenging, because my foobie crumples up like someone balling up a piece of paper to throw when the teacher's back is turned.  So I just make sure that nobody is looking (except me - I can't help it! It's right there!!!)  And my triceps will NOT die because of this cancer shit. I am not going to have a flabby tricep like this! My great grandma, at a thousand years old, was adorable and spunky and thin, but boy, her triceps pretty much hung to her knees. No, thank you.

So, that's it. My vanity has helped my quest in keeping healthy. Cake in garbage. Triceps intact.

Will be south of the border in a few days for some gigs. I love traveling, but hate the thought of not drinking a lot of water (bottles sealed, please!) and eating NO PRODUCE. Jebus. I am the produce queen. I know I can probably bring my own apples. I heard a hilarious story about someone I know who recently got stopped for an apple in his bag. It was apparently not from Mexico, but imported from the US and forgotten about. He argued with the officer. Finally, he was told that "this apple lost it's citizenship when you flew into Mexico". Come on, that shit is hysterical!!! I'm still laughing about that. Perhaps I will pack a stash in my bag - 10 days without live enzymes is a long time. Let's hope Montezuma is not seeking revenge...

Happy Halloween from my Frankenboob!

A long day. I am amazed that I made it this far... still underslept from last week. But my girl and I did a tiny bit of trick or treating after an appointment, just on the walk home. Enough candy to make her happy, and not too much to turn her into a sugar maniac. In fact, she had 3 pieces. After all, it was taco night. And hubs makes great tacos!

I, however, am a hormonal freakazoid.

Never mind that I dipped well below my "target" weight yesterday for my oncology appointment... (ok, a pound, but that's a lot and in territory I never see) I could NOT stop eating today. Theoretically, I have PMS. But on the meds? Who knows. Woke up 2 lbs. heavier today, so we'll see what happens tomorrow. Taco night, candy rejects from her loot... starving but holding it together.

It's amazing how a woman can eat, more than usual, and her hormones make her tummy rumble like Pooh...

But, there ya have it. Also, Pooh should consider wearing at least some undies. Nothing to see here...

I feel like I'm in an awful funk. Not the funky dancing kind. A "BLAH" funk. Hubs and I are hoping for date night tomorrow before his gig. I would go, but have an early train to a gig myself in the morning. But, we need time to enjoy a meal that someone else cooks, in a restaurant, perhaps dressed cute, away from home where there's always something to take care of. 

We need to take care of us. 

It's been super busy, our careers are at a great place, but we need our heads and our hearts to rock as well.

Time to not be a b*tch!

I spent the last week in tv production. I can't fully explain the torture. I make it as fun as I can, and I love the end result (being on tv), and I do this show every year - but damn.

Got home late Saturday after the taping and have not fully been able to sleep, despite my lack of sleep for a week. My brain is racing, I'm still "learning" music. I'm still going over shit in my head. But, it's over. It airs Sunday. I should be able to turn it off.

Went to acupuncture today. Every point made a point. Sometimes I don't feel them, today? Electric. I felt as if this grey film was lifted from my entire being. I'm not "better" yet, but am a few steps closer to it. I am having quite a time trying to not be a bitch. Trying to not eat sweets. Trying to be the real me.

I'm doing my best - which kind of sucks at the moment. But it's my best. Tomorrow it will be better.

Oncology appointment tomorrow. I'm sure she'll be pleased with my weight and what not. Will discuss bone scan further. Will inform her of the new super supplements I'm taking to combat old lady bones. Hopefully, will schedule a scan in another few months.

I think I was supposed to have a blood draw for my regular doc, like, in the summer. I guess I should call her. I'm SO tired of docs and needles. Except the acupuncture ones. Though today, I cringed at each one, knowing I'd feel them. But, what relief.

Hey, Cancer. Fuck you. Your novelty has long worn off. However, the "girls" looked pretty spectacular in my dress for the show. As long as I strap 'em down tight, it ain't so bad. But I still miss having 2 actual breasts. Oh well. Could be worse - at least my head is still somewhat attached!

And just like that, a life is gone

Just found out that someone in my ex's side of the family committed suicide. This was someone that my daughter adored. They had a connection that amazed me and thrilled me. I have it with her, so does hubby, but this was someone who was "not a parent". Who was cool. 

How do you kill yourself? How do you end your life? Here I am fighting to stay alive. It figures. Folks who want to die, and those who - dare I say - might be asking for it (murderers and rapists etc) - and folks like me, and my mom, her sis, her brother, my cousin... Etc... We get cancer. I haven't been a saint my whole life, but I sure as hell have been doing the best I can with what I've got. 

And what I've got is cancer. 

It's interesting. If I were suicidal, I'd stop treatments. I'd eat soy and sugar all day. I'd do all the things I don't do. It would be easy, I assume, to metastasize. I witnessed my mom give up. I think she wanted to die by then. 

I guess I've got an easy out if it gets bad. But, with my little family, I can't imagine wanting to leave the planet anytime soon. 

Rest in peace. I hope you have found what you needed on the other side. 

Sniff

For all the good stuff I do, I seem to be coming down with the sniffles. This morning I felt it, took a whopping 5000 mg. of vitamin c (this stuff tastes like a lemon on 'roids, or at least what I assume a lemon on 'roids would taste like). I add a packet of stevia. It still makes me shudder. But it helped.

You know how, when you take in a bunch of vitamin c, you end up peeing it out and you know it? I didn't. That means I needed that bodybuilding lemon in my body. I had another dose tonight along with zinc.

I also had a nap. It started out as a 20 minute nap, but ended up being more than an hour. My husband is a saint. I didn't hear him sort the laundry mere feet away from me, and by the time I got up, clothes were in the dryer. I had a dose of organic essiac tea and an apple. I really wanted a bowl of organic cereal, as my hormones are still on a rampage, but I figured that the 3 bowls I had prior to my nap were sufficient.

Needless to say, I am feeling slightly better. I'm going to knock myself on my ass, as they say (whoever they are!) so that this thing doesn't get me. Luckily - haha - I got quite a few bug bites last night and they are killing me - swollen and itching - and all on my left side (the side without lymph??? Give me a f*cking break, bugs!!!) So, I am considering a dose of antihistamine, which I hate - but at least it will assure that I am not only knocked the hell out, but also may help in relieving the swelling. BECAUSE I HAVE NO GAAAAD DAMNED LYMPH NODES!!!  Ok, I have some, but still... it takes forever to heal on my left side. And if I end up with some lymphedema crap, I am going to be one crazy bug killing Mama! I've always been allergic to them, but now? And seriously, why the left side only??? There's also one on my forehead. I have fake bangs that I may clip in, though a baseball hat will do the trick. Or the I don't give a crap if I have a bug bite on my forehead attitude. We'll see how I'm feeling with my antihistamine hangover. And I had planned on a caffeine free weekend, but that might not be good after the meds.

I'm definitely not going out tonight, which I had considered doing. I've got way too much shite going on in the next few weeks and can not afford to get sick. Or be all itchy and scratchy...

Ahhhhormones....

Well, my uterine shedding was scheduled for Sunday, according to my app.  I was starting to get worried that my fake menopause took a deeper turn into Old Lady-Ish-Ness.

Halleloooooooya! It started last night! 3 days late, but there. Of course, with that comes intense hunger - and not for healthy stuff. I have a tv show coming up in a bit over a week, so hopefully the cravings will leave soon and I can again keep myself under control for a bit. You know, the camera adds 50 lbs. Give or take a pound.

Been hot flashing the past week again. Not a ton, but enough to have to wash my hair. Acupuncture was good today - pericardium 6 freaking screamed at me. It's the stress. The heart protector, protecting my overworked heart. It opened up and I feel a bunch better. Let's hope the hot flashes vacate for a bit. I use really expensive shampoo and have a lot of hair!

Bought a new toy - a guitar. Do I play? Not yet. Tonight I learned how to play a G chord. I wanted to continue but I want to break in slowly, the last thing I need is to get guitar string induced cuts on my left hand, leading to infection and eventually lymphedema. So, slow and steady. Build calluses. Do it without going all in like I tend to do with stuff.

Speaking of all in, I bought a Berkey water filter that will eventually save my life.  With a bunch of doo-dads and extras (ok, and 2 raw chocolate bars) I spent over $600. Maybe I'm turning into a shopaholic. But, water is important, and if I can get pure, alkaline water for my family and I (yes, I bought the showerhead filter too!) I don't care about the bill. It helps with cancer AND osteoporosis. I don't have time to save for this kind of thing. Maybe the guitar, but I did get a discount on it via a friend who works at an online retailer that deals in such things...

Meanwhile, I've been fairly faithfully taking my calcium supplements. My hip barely hurts now. Is it the calcium or my brain? Who cares. Let's just hope that I don't crack something. Ever. I hope with the new water filter (hopefully arriving next week) and the supplements and my consistent working out... maybe I can avoid the whole scenario above.

Also, I am no longer allowed to purchase cereal except for my daughter. No cereal is safe with my hormones running around. Even organic millet and rice flakes. I'm such a hormonal dork.

Fading Fast...

So, my tattoo got a nod of approval from the doc on Friday, one week into healing. Some peeling. Saturday, I washed my hair and when I opened my eyes, it seemed my entire areola had slipped down the drain! I guess the water pressure for so long helped my skin peel.

Now it looks so light! I know that it will take a while to even out, and now it's closer to the other side than it was before. But I miss the dark color.

The other night before the peel, I sat up in bed and saw in the mirror that I appeared (from afar) to have 2 actual breasts, not one with a mangled doppelganger who doesn't quite fit the bill, but is a "block away".

The good news is that I'm no longer bandaged and goopified. I have spent so much of the past year in various states of medical dress. In fact, I have a few rolls of different types of tape, gauze, etc. for different stages of breast deconstruction and reconstruction. I guess the crap keeps coming in handy.

It's been a very long week - rehearsals and gigs. Tomorrow is a dance piece - I only play 2 pieces in the show, so I'm hopeful that I'll get to see the others! Not sure exactly how to dress, all black... so I'm sticking with black pants, tank and a vest. Blazer in case it's chilly. Semi-conservative heels, as my 5" usuals may be a bit much. I'll know more after the gig, and will be able to plan better for the future. Last night was dirty, filthy, hysterical blues. I work hard, but boy - my life sure is fulfilling artistically!!!

Now to check on my girl. We were out at a Sun Ra tribute show. Yeah, my 12 year old knows that Space is the Place.