U to the Rus

Ok, that didn't totally make sense. But, I tried.

I'm going for my uterus scan Tuesday. Just a sonogram, so I won't be a step closer to

Though, now that I look at her, I probably would be ok with that. Except for the green skin thing.

It's actually my uterus, ovaries and kidneys,  I think.

Interestingly, my pains started again the morning of my oncology appointment. Not horrible, but something.

Then, I got my period the next day. If it only happened when my period started creeping, I'd probably write it off. But it happens every time I'm stressed, or have sex (Ewwww! Don't talk about that!), or any number of things. I'm tempted to not go. I told hubs that, but then he said when it happens again, I'm going to freak out. Which is totally true. Because I should freak out. Which is why I need to go Tuesday. Maybe it's just cysts that they need to shrink with a

or something of that nature. And if it's cancer? 

Seriously. The mind can go wild thinking of all of the horrible things that could be wrong. Ok, my mind can.

So, all I can do it try to not stress. Which is hard these days. Lots of stress in the family for a number of reasons. one is the possibilities of a ray gun and she-hulk, but there are others. And I try to be the best I can be. This too shall pass, or, we shall say goodbye to more bull in our lives. Because life is short. I want only good things. 

My daughter has been a shining example of doing your best. She's 13, granted. But her best is so much better than many folks older than her. I mean, really older. The other day I told her how interesting it was that she was a role model to someone older than she. She smiled, knowing it was true. She's such an interesting kiddo. I do not want to leave her on this planet without me, even though she has a great step dad. Also, I don't want to leave him. So, I will get scanned. And do whatever needs to be done to stay alive a while longer. 

Just had some golden milk and dried figs. Been trying to keep it light since I've had a hard time keeping weight off. I'm kind of what I think of as my maximum, though I have to remind myself that I was this weight probably at our wedding. I really got it together right after (which was only 6 or so pounds less, but at my size that's a lot), and upon diagnosis, worked hard to keep it off. That tamoxifen was a really tough contender, as was the radiation, and so my weight crept back up to my... wedding weight. Don't tell me to shut up though, because I know my body all too well. I have a harder time breathing, plus, I'm not doing anything decadent to really warrant the extra few lbs. I did have a good workout at the gym today, and I have to remind myself that I'm strong, and while it's not the goal, I do have friends who use me as a fitness example. So I guess I'm not doing bad for an old cancerous hag!  ;)

Standards

We set standards for ourselves. Our surroundings influence those standards, but we set them.

I know of folks who try to do the least amount needed to slide by in life.

Sometimes I think I set standards that are too high. I get tough on myself, and I get down on myself. But, I get excited when I get close or reach my high standards!

I feel as if I may be on the upswing. I don't know why. The physical and mental pain of recent, the stress, I have lost too much time to the selfishity (yes, I made that up) of the universe, trying to steal my good energy. So, here goes. Let's see how it works.

Oncologist appointment Tuesday. Let's see about my uterine pains (which are almost gone now, but not forgotten) and my head pains which I am pretty sure were stress driven.

I'm scared. I can't lie. I don't want tests because I don't want to hear that things are bad. But, I need to know, so I'll just ask the doc and see where that all goes. Meanwhile, I'm trying hard to not waste my life on bad energy. Because, that sucks.

Soooo, what's all this pain? Plus, Golden Milk recipe!

I have been noticing it for a while now. I get cramps in my uterus after sex. Yeah. TMI for some of you, but you should probably not read my blog if that's the case!

It's not immediate. It's the next day, usually. We keep writing it off as something else. But it's not getting better. So, of course, I head into the office of Dr. Internet.

Remember the Tamoxifen that nearly killed me off? It may cause uterine cancer. Yup. So, I'm pretty sure I'll be bombarding the oncologist with more questions than originally anticipated.

I'm thankful that I only took it for 10 months but wish I had listened to my own gut instead of fighting with my husband and staying on it for that long. I was miserable by about 4 months - as soon as my bones started hurting so badly that they made me cry at night. THAT was awful. I tried everything. But I was scared and didn't want to hear "I told you so" if I stopped and the cancer returned. I know. I wouldn't have heard it from hubby, but I may have heard it from myself. Because we are our own worst enemies in many cases, including these grey areas of health where we know how we feel and then we know we didn't go to school for this.

So, I made a new batch of turmeric paste, and enjoyed a gorgeous cup of golden milk this morning.

Boil turmeric, black pepper and water for about 10 minutes. Use a pot way bigger than you need. Stir constantly. Add water as needed.  Forget measuring, everything I read is different. You want a paste after about 10 minutes. The pepper - brings out the good stuff times 1000.

So I made a jar, and made some milk in the pan I used.

Add unsweetened almond milk, coconut oil (again, releases good stuff), some more black pepper (because, why not?) Pour into mugs and add raw honey (manuka is the queen). It is very bitter without sweetener.

So this is anti inflammatory heaven. I'm hoping it will help my uterus calm down. Because, who wants an inflamed uterus? Of course this has anti- tumor properties in it, so maybe if I drink this all day, I can defeat this. And, maybe it's just thick lining (a prequel to the cancer that I fear), and maybe it will help somehow. What if it's just a thick lining and it hurts? Do I go all Nun on my hubby and get him a gift certificate to an escort service?

I guess the weirdest part is that it is ok until about a day later. I kept thinking it was coincidence, and my hormones were so wild that it would "hit" something and start the cramps, or that it would make my body go into PMS mode. But I never had cramping like this around my cycle, regardless.

I had a bunch of ginger this morning, too. Maybe some extra krill oil will bring the inflamed offender down a bit. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel like my life is one big episode of tiptoeing around everything I do. I can't just be me anymore. I'm a science experiment. But not like the woman in

Ugh.

That is all.

Side effects? Anxiety? Fear?

Last night, I had a bit of medication, my own variety, a bit extra, and a drink.  I seem to indulge a bit more these days, possibly because I have a 13 year old, and no matter how great she is at her core, she is 13. And sometimes I have a hard time understanding her. Because at 13, I was watching my mom die, as my family (the "men") were being chronically apathetic, so I became the new mom in the house. I did everything. I cooked and cleaned and did yard work (even with a broken foot, the "men" just let everything grow over, so I hobbled out in my crutches with frighteningly dangerous lawn care items that were full of explosive gasoline, and I revved them up and tried my hardest to not fall over and chop my head off.  They probably would not have noticed, until dinner was not on the table.

My daughter, she has so much support in this house. Perhaps not at her dads, but her level of apathy toward certain things makes me wonder if she has it too good. Or that her dads house is filled with the fragrance of chronic apathy, just like mine was, and she has resigned to not pick up the slack.

She has jobs here, and does them when reminded. She gets paid. This will stop soon, as hubby and I discussed a NEW pay scale. She does it on her own, without being nudged? Extra money! Reminders? Docked. 3 reminders? She doesn't get paid. And if we have to do it, she will pay US to do her job. That will go in a special place for us to enjoy date night. We'll see how this goes, but I did not raise my child to be like her father.

Anyway, last night my head got so fuzzed out that I worried. It felt like I had an old fashioned cloth tied around my head, like the old school cartoon characters who had a toothache. I figured it was all the stuff I consumed.

Tonight - nothing. Kombucha, water, stir fried veggies and some faux-slaw (cabbage and onions in a little mayo, yum!)  So, what gives? I'm now toothache cartoon gal again.

Maybe it's anxiety, depression, endometriosis, a blood clot about to kill me - the internet is full of fun stuff! But I wonder if this is still the meds exiting the building. I did get my period today (halleloooo!) and am crampy, but this head thing makes me think I'm coming, Elizabeth!

I'm not afraid of the Angel of Death, as Ruiz suggests we should not be. And I get it. It's easier to live my life, knowing I could die now. Or now. Or now. But this fuzzy head makes me think I have to make sure all my ducks are in a row. Because who's going to take care of my ducks if they're all over the place?

Frustrations, but small triumphs

Ah. Ye olde weight fluctuations. It seemed, for the past month, no matter what, I stayed an extra 5 lbs. over my usual weight. The other day, I literally could not breathe. I know. Folks who know me would say that's shallow, that I should be grateful to be alive. I am. But what is going on?

Seems I dropped some of it yesterday by basically only eating dinner. Sounds unhealthy? It's actually intermittent fasting. I do a version daily and basically eat in an 8 hour window, but this extreme measure helped me out. I'm positive I would be 50 lbs instead of 5 lbs. heavier if I ate like I used to. Thanks, Tamoxifen. 

Of course, coming home to mothering stress drove me to making breakfast for dinner. Not bad, an over easy egg, 2 slices of organic bacon, a piece of ezekiel toast (a very rare treat!) with butter, almond butter and fig preserves. But still. I could have done better for myself. I did have a nice big kale salad, too!

Food is such an emotional vehicle. I'm feeling better somehow. Comfort. But I also feel as if I just undid some of yesterday. Even though my mid-day meal was a big giant veggie juice and a protein bar.

Ok, I am forgiven. All that I consumed were organic things, no flour based anything, and I feel sated.

Perhaps it's a good night to watch a movie instead of clean and practice music like I had planned. We'll see how it pans out, but I need a ME moment about now. It's not bad, but it's been a long trek without much sunlight or time to breathe. I have to remember that I have accomplished a lot recently and that it's OK to rest. Maybe a few cookies or pieces of chocolate. Eh. I'm human.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe in some things.

First of all - holy cow! I've been working like a maniac. Really good since the NEW KITCHEN IS DONE and gorgeous. And I spent more than what I sometimes make in a year on it. Now I'm asking for a bathroom estimate. Not nearly the job this was, it would literally be a new bathtub, toilet, sink, cabinet, tiles, vanity and light. And painting. Fingers crossed that it's not too painful financially!

Anyway, I'm going to vent a bit. And I apologize if I offend anyone. Truly.

But, God does not bring stuff to us that we can handle. And God will not cure us. If that were the case, why is my mother dead? Why am I still sick? I believe in people who truly believe - but not people who leave it up to higher powers to make us all well. Clearly, that has not worked. Not that I have witnessed. Religion is good. Don't get me wrong. Goodness and Kindness rock.

I just hear and see it so often. Folks are quick to pray for you. Folks are quick to tell you that God wouldn't give you this disease or pain or death in the family if you couldn't handle it. What the heck does that mean???

So, God gave my mom cancer because she could handle it. But she couldn't. So she died. And me, in my teens, after watching my mom die painfully over the course of 10 years was strong enough to handle it. But I wasn't.  I still cry at losing her. It's been 25 years since she passed. No, God. I can't handle it and she couldn't either. Now, I'm apparently strong enough to handle it, and my daughter hopefully is NOT strong enough to handle my death. Because that means I won't die!!!

Religion can make people strong, or give them a muse to make them feel it. That's GREAT. I see it EVERYWHERE in the world of Cancer. And, people still die from Cancer, no matter how much they believe.

I believe in faith. I believe in living well and doing good for others. I believe in taking care of yourself. But, I do not believe that the magic man will cure me, or give me a horrible stuff because I'm strong. If that IS the truth, I'm going to stop working out and become emotionally unstable. Because I don't need more stuff that "I can handle".

What do I believe? That you are allowed to believe what you want. That you are not allowed to impose your beliefs on someone else's misfortune.

I'm not gonna lie. My mom dealt so much better with her cancer when she was still on the Buddhist side of the world. She converted to Christianity and was baptized as an adult with 2 children and cancer. She went to bible classes and everyone prayed for her. She died horribly. She did sustain some Buddhist practices that brought her peace. I wish she had stuck to that, instead of relying on everyone's empty promises.

This is a major reason why I cringe when someone says they're praying for me. There are very few people on the planet that I believe, when they say they are praying for me. Sorry, guys, for my occasional bad word on this blog, but I love you dearly and always welcome your love and prayers. You mean it. You make things happen, and I believe in you, your love, AND your prayers.

Others - just help. Do something nice. Help me find alone time to meditate or work out. Encourage my healthy lifestyle and positive affirmations. Suggest a good book or music or spoken word to uplift me. Suggest a funny movie on Netflix. Remind me to take melatonin so I can maybe rest a bit.

Rant over. Because my life is full of positivity, but once in a while this stuff gets way deep in my radar.

Funny thing, I played at my favorite church today. I absolutely adore everyone there. They pray for me, but they believe it helps me. That to me is real. That's good vibes. Good energy. That IS healing. The music we made, totally healing. The honesty and laughter and smiles, super duper healing. Some folks live it. They believe it and never impose it, even under "God's Roof". And that, my friends, is help. It's all the lemmings that say they're religious to appease the family or society. Even the ones who believe that they are, but it's all an act. It's being brainwashed from childhood. This is what you do, because you've always done it. I was one of them until my teens. I knew nothing else. My grandparents and mom (who had switched for the companionship of the congregation) taught me about buddhism. It's a lifestyle. It's not a label, or a social standing. It's what we all should strive for. It's peace and love. I believe that anyone who believes in goodness is the freaking Bees Knees. Do they even have knees?

Peace! Love! xoxo